Sunday, May 17, 2009

Just a Lemon and the No Pants Team.






Julie and I went to the store this weekend. We split up to divide and conquer our one stop shopping. As we walked out I confirmed that she had indeed grabbed the most important thing on our list, a lemon...for our hefeweizen. Her silence and blank expression sent me directly back into the store.



I grabbed the best lemon of the bunch and placed it on the check out conveyor belt for the ride of it's life. The silver fox in front of me (50-60yrs old) revealed that he may have "enjoyed" the 1960s a little too much. He looked at my lemon and said, "just a lemon man! That is awesome, just a lemon. Just a lemon and yer good."



I nodded in agreement and said, "just a lemon." I walked out of the store with my head held high and a lemon in my fist...just a lemon.



One of Julie's most endearing qualities, and I mean this in all seriousness, is that she thinks she can't cook. I love to cook. If I screw up the recipe usually I look forward to the unknown. Like the time I accidentally made chocolate chip cookies out of pancake batter. If Julie's in the kitchen and a tsp of salt turns into a tbsp of salt things come undone quickly.

A couple days ago we were expecting some dinner company and Julie was browning some ground beef while I was feeding Will. I heard the usual vocal cues that there was cooking frustration mounting, but I kept focused on getting Will fed. In between bites I turned around to see how it was going. Julie was on the floor, picking up ground meat, and for some reason had removed her pants!

It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

After I ascertained what had happened my next question was, "What do I do when Vanessa gets here?" It must be noted that I get in trouble for leaving our bedroom door cracked if Julie is taking a shower. So I deducted that someone walking in while my pant less Cinderella was scrubbing e. coli off the floor may not be the best situation.

To my surprise Julie said she didn't care. This really threw me off. I had to have a clarifying conversation and find out who else was on the no pants team besides Vanessa. Most everyone I know has been or is on my no pants team...who's on yours?



Friday, May 15, 2009

Oatmeal Facial

Today is daddy day and it's started with a bang. I decided to feed Will oatmeal for breakfast. If I make it thick enough he can easily eat it with a spoon leaving me time to figure out what to stick in my face for breakfast.

He did well until about halfway through I looked over and he had decided to give himself an oatmeal facial. Sticking his face into his bowl of oatmeal.

"The humble breakfast cereal helps calm and moisturize the skin and has long been used to remedy dryness. But mixed with ingredients like fresh tomatoes, oatmeal also helps oily and blemish-prone skin."

This reminded me that we had a Young Life leader that decided to stick his entire head into a bowl of mashed potatoes for an extended period of time one night. It got a few laughs, but it also got him a trip to the emergency room to have doctors remove dried potatoes from his ear canals.

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when he explained to the nurse how mashed potatoes became lodged in his ear.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Trippin

I traveled Seattle to North Carolina today (March 31st) and it has already been a memorable trip. Here's some of the highlights...


I got a haircut from my friend Carina in Seatac. It was awesome and she didn't charge me! That was amazing...the day got weird after that.


We were delayed getting into Chicago (my first stop). We circled in a holding pattern for about 45 minutes. It was like being on the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyland (with the same number of screaming kids) and not being able to get off.


When I deplaned I couldn't help but think about the fact that Chicago must be proud to have Obama in the White House. As I speed walked to my gate I noticed that the portly gentleman in front of me was wearing an "Commemorative" Obama shirt. I made my move to go around him and nearly bumped into a John McCain look-a-like, only with better posture. I wish I had a camera, more time and guts to take his picture.


Within minutes of arriving in Raleigh I was invited catfishing, or catfish fishing. I think I'm going.

After an hour (no joke) of waiting for our bags at baggage claim, someone decided to check on the status of our bags.

As it turns out not a single bag was loaded onto our plane in Chicago...not a single bag. How does this happen? How do you "forget" to load an entire plane's worth of luggage?

Needless to say people weren't happy and the glorified closet that doubled as the baggage office was flooded with people trying to figure out how to get their bags.

The situation escalated when the baggage staff tried to shut the door to deal with a few customers at a time. The mass of people pushed in on the door and it quickly turned into what I can only describe as an episode of Jerry Springer. Not wanting to be caught in the middle, I quickly grabbed a phone number and made a dash for my rental car.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

USPS

I went to the post office yesterday to mail someting. It was somewhat urgent and I was hoping to get it to the recipient by the next day. Two days wouldn't have killed me, but one day was ideal.


When I walked in there was no line...this in and of itself is a miracle. I walked right up to the counter and asked about and appropriate envelope for a next day delivery. I was shown to the envelope display and given the full history of envelopes and the United States postal service. Once I turned around, enveloped and was ready to mail...the line was huge. I had no other choice but to wait.


Finally getting to the counter, I let the lady know where and when I needed to mail my envelope. Here's how the conversation went...

Postal Lady - (Looking down at her screen)- "we can have it there tomorrow for $19.67"
Brice (Waiting)
Postal Lady - "...or you cold send it Priority for $8.53."
Brice - "when will that get there?"
Postal Lady - "tomorrow"
Brice (waiting and thinking why would I pay $19.67!?)
Postal Lady -"...or you could send it first class for $1.42."
Brice - "when will that get there?"
Postal Lady - "tomorrow."

At this point I noticed that my mouth was wide open in awe, I shook my head in disbelief and told her I wanted to pay $1.42.

...are you kidding me?

Monday, January 26, 2009

My Resume

I decided it would be enlightening to post my complete list of previous employment along with insights I've gained from each.

1. Statesman Journal Newspaper Carrier - I don't like getting up in the morning.
2. Dog/House Sitter - I wish someone would pay me to take care of my own dog and house.
3. Lawn Care Services - Don't wear your new shoes when mowing the lawn.
4. Strawberry and Raspberry Picker - Eating berries really cuts into profits and you can learn a new language if your desperate enough.
5. YMCA Camp Counselor -
6. Coffee Café Barista - The skin is able to soak up an incredible amount of coffee "aroma."
7. Elegant Catering Server - A little alcohol can increase tips greatly.
8. Original Pancake House Dishwasher, Host - When you've got a face like this, don't hide it behind the dishwasher.
9. Circuit City Warehouse Associate - The make steel toed boots for a reason.
10. Video Production Free Lance - don't forget to save your work.
11. PLU Media Services Technician - I don't necessarily need to know why, just how.
12. Truss Joist MacMillian Floor Joist Manufacturing - watch your fingers.
13. KCCS Radio On Air Personality/Production - It is possible to fall asleep in the studio.
14. Tacoma Rainiers Baseball Club - When dressed as Rhubarb the Reindeer...watch your back.
15. Pipe Incorporated Concrete Pipe Manufacturing -
16. Seattle Sonics Broadcasting Intern - Money can't buy wisdom.
17. PLU Learning Services Audio Textbook Recording - Why am I reading someone else's books and not my own?
18. Alaska Airlines Reservation Sales Rep. - you never know where you'll end up. You could pack for Mexico and wind up in Anchorage.
19. Clover Creek Bible Fellowship Youth Director/Video Intern - computers crash...save your work.
20. Tap Tool - I may some day be replaced by a robot.
21. Young Life Intern and Area Director - the work is never done.
22. Affordable Funeral Care Removal Services - If the sheriff is there...that's not a good sign.
23. RE/MAX Community Realty Realtor - writing personal notes to people is important.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Awkward Encounters

1. Most of us have learned long ago that relationships will, at some point, be weird. I've had a couple encounters over the last few years that have left a lasting impression, if not permanent damage.

During any given shopping trip in our small town it is RARE to make it out of the store without seeing at least one person you know, if not my usual barrage of fans. A couple weeks ago I was walking past the check out lanes and saw a lady I "kind of" knew. We exchanged hellos and she took a step towards me. She was obviously moving in for a hug. Not wanting to be "out hugged" I stepped forward and embraced her first, all the while trying to figure out when we reached hugging status.

Once I released her we exchanged pleasantries and she continued on her previous trajectory, reaching for some aisle-end impulse item. Like a point guard going for the hoop, she had been trying to reach her item all along before I stepped in and hugged her.

I kicked myself all the way home for taking the relationship to the next level. To make it even more awkward I had a Facebook friend request waiting for me from her when I got home.

2. The other encounter occurred when some friends and I were crashing a wedding reception in Vienna, Austria. We started dancing with the locals and mimicking their moves until everyone on the dance floor was in a big circle.

I wound up positioned between two Austrian women, their hands on my shoulders. As the song sped up, so did the dancing. The lady on my right had been "enjoying" the evening and the associated beverages. As the dancing sped up her hand got lower and lower on my back. Not knowing any Austrian and fearful I wouldn't have a story to tell, her hand eventually came to rest inside my quick dry travel underwear on my bare butt.

I just kept dancing and smiling and looking forward to bringing my travel partners "into the loop."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Move

Every now and again "the move" will make a public appearance. I can't remember the first time the move was performed, but I can tell you that it's been to several countries around the globe, spotted on You Tube and used on a post 9/11 flight at 35,000 feet.


Is it dance, martial arts or yoga? Many have tried to better understand it only to wind up more baffled than before.


It's brought joy, healed nations and often been the perfect wedding gift. Not until now was "the move" captured in such rich clarity. Without further ado..."the move."





video

Monday, January 12, 2009

Larry King and Plate Glass

I just got an opportunity to "view" my first blog post. I got to wondering how many people actually have the "dark dots" as their template. It makes me feel like I'm on Larry King.

I was just recently reminded of a friend from college who just hours before my visit decided to jump up on his couch and moon his housemates through their huge plate glass window. As he vigorously pressed his cheeks against the window it shattered. He went tumbling out of the window and eventually to the hospital to have the glass removed from his butt.

I wish I could have been there when he explained to the doctor how he got shards of glass imbedded in his butt like a CNN reporter in the 81st Airborne Division. This still brings a tear of joy to my eye.

Intro

Apparently I'm going to start blogging again. I thought I had retired after my 4 entries in 2006. I guess I thought blogging was a fad and I was going to be ahead of the curve and ditch it early. However much like the hair on my legs blogging is still here and I'm going to give it another crack.

I'm going to use this to post some gems from the past present and future. I love to tell stories and these..."actually happened."

Enjoy.